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Title: Part of Me
Author: speedy
Rating: PG
Summary: After Georgie receives a letter, Maxie decides she must face the demon that's still haunting her. Companion to "Weatherman Says".
Disclaimer: I'm not the Rat, so obviously the characters aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for awhile.
Notes: Moved over from my website. Spring 2003. Lyrics are from "Part of Me" by Jack Wagner (aka Frisco Jones).
Maxie Jones slammed her bedroom door. As if she wasn't mad enough at Georgie, she found another letter from their father in the mail. It was for Georgie, of course. And all he sent her was a lousy postcard, as usual.
I can't believe how much I see me
When I look into your eyes
Your smile's reminding me so well
Georgie thought she didn't know about the letters. It was Maxie that normally got the mail and put the letters on her little sister's bed so their mom and Mac wouldn't see them. She always felt how thick they were, wondering what in the world they would have to say to each other. She was the one that knew him, not Georgie.
Wiping away a stray tear, Maxie could finally admit to herself she was jealous of her sister. No matter what she did or what she said, she couldn't hate Frisco. He was her father, he always would be. But Georgie was the one that had a relationship with him. Georgie was the one he wrote to. And all she got was a couple sentences on a postcard.
And every time I think about you
I get a feeling inside
It cuts right through my heart and soul
She pulled Friscobear from its place on a bookshelf and held it tightly. There was a time when she believed she could feel him through the teddy bear, a belief she'd dismissed as silly and stupid when she got older. She clutched the bear even tighter, wishing she still believed that. She missed him terribly.
She had boxes and shelves of presents he'd sent over the years. Dolls, stuffed animals, books, statues, saris, jewelry... Of all the presents he'd sent, the only thing she really wanted was to be with him. To hear him sing her to sleep again, tell one of his corny jokes, even one of the weak excuses he gave her mom when he tired to weasel out of something.
I try not to justify my place in your life
But every time I lay you down
There's a question in my mind
Maxie laid on her bed and curled up in a ball, letting the tears fall quietly. She had tried to hate him so much. He left her, left their family to go play James Bond. Saving the world was more important than they were.
Okay, maybe saving the world was more important than selfish little Maxie Jones, but why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be her dad? Why couldn't he stay and be the father he was supposed to be, the father he always said he wanted to be? Why did he have to leave her behind? Why wasn't she enough for him?
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
She sobbed harder when she heard the sound of his music coming from Georgie's room. The younger girl always listened to his music when she got a letter from him. To Maxie, it was like rubbing salt in an open wound. Her sister didn't mean to hurt her, but Maxie couldn't stand hearing that CD. She let Georgie believe it was because she hated him, but truth was, hearing Frisco sing made her miss him that much more. Made his absence that much more obvious.
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
God, she wanted to see him. If he wasn't in Iraq, she'd just go to wherever he was. Obviously that wasn't possible at the moment. She promised herself that the next time they received something from the US or Western Europe, she'd be on the next plane out. Right now, she felt like boarding the next plane to Baghdad, war or no war. At least she knew he'd come find her then.
BJ's African bracelet caught her eye. It was hanging from her bulletin board, a reminder of her cousin whose heart beat inside her chest. Uncle Tony had given her the bracelet a few years ago. She cherished it. Not just because it was BJ's, but it also came from him.
Maxie couldn't go on like this anymore. She had to ask him, she had to tell him how she felt. She just couldn't hold it in any longer.
I sit back while you try to tell me
What you're thinking about
You try and put your thoughts to words
She pulled out a notebook and a pen from her book bag, still holding on to Friscobear. As she began to write, she was surprised by how easy the words came to her. She was sure she wasn't making much sense, but maybe he'd understand. Uncle Tony had told her years ago that she was a lot like her father. Could he ever understand how much she did love him? How much she wanted him in her life? How much it hurt that he wasn't around?
And every kiss you're saving for me
Puts a tear in my eye
It's a song I've never heard
She poured her heart out on the paper, telling him how she missed him and loved him, how he had hurt her by leaving. She found herself rambling on about Georgie, about Lucas, about Kyle, about Mom and Mac. She told him all the things he'd missed, good and bad. She wrote of soccer victories, dance recitals, straight A report cards, running away from home when Mom was running around with Luke Spencer. She snickered, thinking about what Frisco would have to say about that.
The memory of her mother's affair brought Maxie out of her thoughts. She looked back through everything she had written, starting to second guess herself. She'd written pages and pages, telling him everything and anything that had come to mind. What if he never wrote back?
I just want to let you know I'm on your side
I wish I could close my eyes
And stop the hands of time
No, she told herself. He wrote Georgie faithfully, he'd do the same for her. He'd answered every angry message she'd ever left for him, listened to her rant when she was upset at him and he still called back. She had no reason to think he would ignore her now. But it wasn't enough to stop her from doubting.
She held Friscobear in her hands, fingering the worn fake fur. She really had no reason to doubt Frisco. When he was around, she and Georgie usually had his undivided attention. He had listened to every insult she'd ever hurled at him, every name she'd ever called him, every angry thing she'd every said to him. She had never been shy to tell him how she felt, how she hated him. He never chastised her for any of it. He just let her say what she was going to say and get it out of her system, hardly even putting up a defense at all.
She wondered how he felt, something she'd never done before. She wondered if being away was as hard on him as it was on her. But then why did he stay away? Why didn't he come home? Why was his job so damned important to him?
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
The tears started flowing down her cheeks again. All she had were a few sentences on a postcard and a lot of questions without answers. She flipped through the pages again. There was only one place she could get the answers she needed. She had to send the letter. She had no choice.
She jumped when she heard a knock on her door. She pushed the notebook under her pillow and put Friscobear back in its place. She had no more wiped away her tears when Mac opened the door.
"Everything okay?" he asked, concerned.
She smiled, trying to hide her sadness. "Everything's fine."
She could see that he wasn't buying it, but was relieved when he didn't push it. "You have a phone call," he said, sounding reluctant.
"Who is it?"
"Your father."
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
She closed her eyes. In a million years, she would've never guessed he would call now, just when she needed to talk to him. She glanced at her bookshelf. Maybe he childish belief was truer than she thought.
"Do you want to talk to him?"
He was sympathetic as usual. But that was Mac. Strong, dependable, loyal and always there for her. Everything Frisco wasn't. She knew how hard loving her and Georgie was on their stepfather, being their father in every way that counted but knowing that he wasn't. Damn it, loving them both was hard on her, too.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," he told her.
"No," she replied, "I want to talk to him."
He just nodded and left her alone. She turned and stared at her phone. The answers she needed were right in front of her, all she had to do was pick up the phone and ask. But she hesitated, fearful. Of what she didn't know.
She picked up the phone, telling herself she was being ridiculous. "Hi," she said softly.
"How's my little princess?"
"I'm not little anymore, Dad."
"Oh yeah. How's my big princess?"
"Dad!"
"I bet I got you to smile at least."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
"You know, you shouldn't roll your eyes. They might get stuck like that."
"Who told you that?" she asked, rolling her eyes again.
"My mother."
"And you believed her?"
"Of course! She was my mother."
In my heart
No matter how far apart
She smiled again, feeling the tears burning in her eyes again. "I'm glad you called, Dad," she said softly.
"You are?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah. I wanted to talk to you. I just wrote you a letter."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Have you sent it yet? What's in it?"
She opened her mouth to tell him, but couldn't. She just couldn't face his reaction, even over the phone. "Maybe it would be better if you just read the letter."
"Can't I get just a little hint?"
"Just read it when you get it, Dad."
"When did you send it?"
"I haven't. I just finished it a little while ago."
"I'll be around for a while longer. Why don't you email it to me?"
"Okay," she answered unsurely. "I'll email you. You want to talk to Georgie?"
"Yes," he answered. "It'll give me something to do while I wait for your email."
"I'll go get her."
"Hey, Max?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you, Princess."
"I love you too, Dad."
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
She put the phone down and walked to her sister's room, knocking softly. Even over the music, she could hear Georgie scrambling, probably to turn the music off.
The younger girl opened the door just enough to stick her head out. She looked at her sister strangely. "Maxie? What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You've been crying."
"I'm okay, really. Dad's on the phone."
Georgie nodded understandingly. "Okay, just tell him I'll be there in a minute."
"Just take it in my room. I'm going downstairs for awhile."
"Okay."
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
Maxie went back into her room, grabbing her notebook, and went downstairs to her mother's computer. She opened the notebook to the page she started writing on. Doubts crept back up in her mind as she read her words over again. She slammed it closed, putting her head in her hands. She couldn't send him that. It was a mess, just a jumble of words. But he was expecting something from her, she'd already told him she wrote him.
"Hey," Mac said softly from behind her. He put his hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "You want to tell me why you were crying?"
"No, Mac. I'm okay."
"You don't look okay. Frisco didn't upset you, did he?"
"No, he didn't have time. I only spoke to him for a minute."
"That's plenty of time for him, I've noticed." She giggled, letting Mac pull her close and kiss her forehead. "I love you, Maxie. I will always be here for you, no matter what."
"I know that, Mac. And I love you, too," she said, hugging him.
Maxie watched him walk away, back to whatever he'd been doing. She felt better, as he'd always he'd always made her feel, but only a little. Mac had practically raised her. He was always there, even when her mother wasn't. Frisco had never been there. Mac was her father, so why was she longing for the man that had abandoned her?
If there was ever a reason to shoot her father, it was for making her feel so torn.
Maxie sighed and opened her notebook. She typed just what she'd written, adding a little more at the end, trying to get her frustration of being stuck between her two fathers across to him. She hesitated before clicking the send button. Once the screen disappeared, she could only hope for the best, that he would understand.
If you only knew what you do when you look in my eyes
You're such a sweet, sweet surprise to me
You're a part of me
Only a few minutes passed before an email appeared in her inbox, a reply from Frisco. She opened the message uncertainly, fearful of what it might say. But as she read the short message, she smiled. Tears filled her eyes, but this time, not tears of sadness, but tears of relief. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Maxie,
I am so glad you wrote me. It'll take me some time to answer all your questions, but I wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am that you've been hurt. It's not what I ever wanted. I made some decisions I sometimes wish I could take back. I know you're mad at me and you have plenty of reason to be, but I hope someday you'll understand.
I know that you feel like you're betraying Mac, but you're not. I know he loves you as much as I do and I know how you feel about him. I'm grateful you and your sister have him as a dad since I'm not around. Mac's a good guy and a good parent. But he and I, we have different places in your lives, exclusive of each other. I doubt he wants you to feel torn between us any more than I do. He's always going to be your dad, no matter if I'm in your life or not. I'm sorry sweetie, but I'm afraid you're stuck with both of us, whether you like it or not. ;)
I love you and Georgie more than I could ever tell you and no matter where I go, you are always on my mind. You're a part of me.
Dad
Author: speedy
Rating: PG
Summary: After Georgie receives a letter, Maxie decides she must face the demon that's still haunting her. Companion to "Weatherman Says".
Disclaimer: I'm not the Rat, so obviously the characters aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for awhile.
Notes: Moved over from my website. Spring 2003. Lyrics are from "Part of Me" by Jack Wagner (aka Frisco Jones).
Maxie Jones slammed her bedroom door. As if she wasn't mad enough at Georgie, she found another letter from their father in the mail. It was for Georgie, of course. And all he sent her was a lousy postcard, as usual.
I can't believe how much I see me
When I look into your eyes
Your smile's reminding me so well
Georgie thought she didn't know about the letters. It was Maxie that normally got the mail and put the letters on her little sister's bed so their mom and Mac wouldn't see them. She always felt how thick they were, wondering what in the world they would have to say to each other. She was the one that knew him, not Georgie.
Wiping away a stray tear, Maxie could finally admit to herself she was jealous of her sister. No matter what she did or what she said, she couldn't hate Frisco. He was her father, he always would be. But Georgie was the one that had a relationship with him. Georgie was the one he wrote to. And all she got was a couple sentences on a postcard.
And every time I think about you
I get a feeling inside
It cuts right through my heart and soul
She pulled Friscobear from its place on a bookshelf and held it tightly. There was a time when she believed she could feel him through the teddy bear, a belief she'd dismissed as silly and stupid when she got older. She clutched the bear even tighter, wishing she still believed that. She missed him terribly.
She had boxes and shelves of presents he'd sent over the years. Dolls, stuffed animals, books, statues, saris, jewelry... Of all the presents he'd sent, the only thing she really wanted was to be with him. To hear him sing her to sleep again, tell one of his corny jokes, even one of the weak excuses he gave her mom when he tired to weasel out of something.
I try not to justify my place in your life
But every time I lay you down
There's a question in my mind
Maxie laid on her bed and curled up in a ball, letting the tears fall quietly. She had tried to hate him so much. He left her, left their family to go play James Bond. Saving the world was more important than they were.
Okay, maybe saving the world was more important than selfish little Maxie Jones, but why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be her dad? Why couldn't he stay and be the father he was supposed to be, the father he always said he wanted to be? Why did he have to leave her behind? Why wasn't she enough for him?
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
She sobbed harder when she heard the sound of his music coming from Georgie's room. The younger girl always listened to his music when she got a letter from him. To Maxie, it was like rubbing salt in an open wound. Her sister didn't mean to hurt her, but Maxie couldn't stand hearing that CD. She let Georgie believe it was because she hated him, but truth was, hearing Frisco sing made her miss him that much more. Made his absence that much more obvious.
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
God, she wanted to see him. If he wasn't in Iraq, she'd just go to wherever he was. Obviously that wasn't possible at the moment. She promised herself that the next time they received something from the US or Western Europe, she'd be on the next plane out. Right now, she felt like boarding the next plane to Baghdad, war or no war. At least she knew he'd come find her then.
BJ's African bracelet caught her eye. It was hanging from her bulletin board, a reminder of her cousin whose heart beat inside her chest. Uncle Tony had given her the bracelet a few years ago. She cherished it. Not just because it was BJ's, but it also came from him.
Maxie couldn't go on like this anymore. She had to ask him, she had to tell him how she felt. She just couldn't hold it in any longer.
I sit back while you try to tell me
What you're thinking about
You try and put your thoughts to words
She pulled out a notebook and a pen from her book bag, still holding on to Friscobear. As she began to write, she was surprised by how easy the words came to her. She was sure she wasn't making much sense, but maybe he'd understand. Uncle Tony had told her years ago that she was a lot like her father. Could he ever understand how much she did love him? How much she wanted him in her life? How much it hurt that he wasn't around?
And every kiss you're saving for me
Puts a tear in my eye
It's a song I've never heard
She poured her heart out on the paper, telling him how she missed him and loved him, how he had hurt her by leaving. She found herself rambling on about Georgie, about Lucas, about Kyle, about Mom and Mac. She told him all the things he'd missed, good and bad. She wrote of soccer victories, dance recitals, straight A report cards, running away from home when Mom was running around with Luke Spencer. She snickered, thinking about what Frisco would have to say about that.
The memory of her mother's affair brought Maxie out of her thoughts. She looked back through everything she had written, starting to second guess herself. She'd written pages and pages, telling him everything and anything that had come to mind. What if he never wrote back?
I just want to let you know I'm on your side
I wish I could close my eyes
And stop the hands of time
No, she told herself. He wrote Georgie faithfully, he'd do the same for her. He'd answered every angry message she'd ever left for him, listened to her rant when she was upset at him and he still called back. She had no reason to think he would ignore her now. But it wasn't enough to stop her from doubting.
She held Friscobear in her hands, fingering the worn fake fur. She really had no reason to doubt Frisco. When he was around, she and Georgie usually had his undivided attention. He had listened to every insult she'd ever hurled at him, every name she'd ever called him, every angry thing she'd every said to him. She had never been shy to tell him how she felt, how she hated him. He never chastised her for any of it. He just let her say what she was going to say and get it out of her system, hardly even putting up a defense at all.
She wondered how he felt, something she'd never done before. She wondered if being away was as hard on him as it was on her. But then why did he stay away? Why didn't he come home? Why was his job so damned important to him?
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
The tears started flowing down her cheeks again. All she had were a few sentences on a postcard and a lot of questions without answers. She flipped through the pages again. There was only one place she could get the answers she needed. She had to send the letter. She had no choice.
She jumped when she heard a knock on her door. She pushed the notebook under her pillow and put Friscobear back in its place. She had no more wiped away her tears when Mac opened the door.
"Everything okay?" he asked, concerned.
She smiled, trying to hide her sadness. "Everything's fine."
She could see that he wasn't buying it, but was relieved when he didn't push it. "You have a phone call," he said, sounding reluctant.
"Who is it?"
"Your father."
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
She closed her eyes. In a million years, she would've never guessed he would call now, just when she needed to talk to him. She glanced at her bookshelf. Maybe he childish belief was truer than she thought.
"Do you want to talk to him?"
He was sympathetic as usual. But that was Mac. Strong, dependable, loyal and always there for her. Everything Frisco wasn't. She knew how hard loving her and Georgie was on their stepfather, being their father in every way that counted but knowing that he wasn't. Damn it, loving them both was hard on her, too.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," he told her.
"No," she replied, "I want to talk to him."
He just nodded and left her alone. She turned and stared at her phone. The answers she needed were right in front of her, all she had to do was pick up the phone and ask. But she hesitated, fearful. Of what she didn't know.
She picked up the phone, telling herself she was being ridiculous. "Hi," she said softly.
"How's my little princess?"
"I'm not little anymore, Dad."
"Oh yeah. How's my big princess?"
"Dad!"
"I bet I got you to smile at least."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
"You know, you shouldn't roll your eyes. They might get stuck like that."
"Who told you that?" she asked, rolling her eyes again.
"My mother."
"And you believed her?"
"Of course! She was my mother."
In my heart
No matter how far apart
She smiled again, feeling the tears burning in her eyes again. "I'm glad you called, Dad," she said softly.
"You are?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah. I wanted to talk to you. I just wrote you a letter."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Have you sent it yet? What's in it?"
She opened her mouth to tell him, but couldn't. She just couldn't face his reaction, even over the phone. "Maybe it would be better if you just read the letter."
"Can't I get just a little hint?"
"Just read it when you get it, Dad."
"When did you send it?"
"I haven't. I just finished it a little while ago."
"I'll be around for a while longer. Why don't you email it to me?"
"Okay," she answered unsurely. "I'll email you. You want to talk to Georgie?"
"Yes," he answered. "It'll give me something to do while I wait for your email."
"I'll go get her."
"Hey, Max?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you, Princess."
"I love you too, Dad."
Will I ever be enough
Will you ever know how much it means
She put the phone down and walked to her sister's room, knocking softly. Even over the music, she could hear Georgie scrambling, probably to turn the music off.
The younger girl opened the door just enough to stick her head out. She looked at her sister strangely. "Maxie? What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You've been crying."
"I'm okay, really. Dad's on the phone."
Georgie nodded understandingly. "Okay, just tell him I'll be there in a minute."
"Just take it in my room. I'm going downstairs for awhile."
"Okay."
When you run to me, I take you in my arms
Then I know for sure you're a part of me
You're a part of me
Maxie went back into her room, grabbing her notebook, and went downstairs to her mother's computer. She opened the notebook to the page she started writing on. Doubts crept back up in her mind as she read her words over again. She slammed it closed, putting her head in her hands. She couldn't send him that. It was a mess, just a jumble of words. But he was expecting something from her, she'd already told him she wrote him.
"Hey," Mac said softly from behind her. He put his hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "You want to tell me why you were crying?"
"No, Mac. I'm okay."
"You don't look okay. Frisco didn't upset you, did he?"
"No, he didn't have time. I only spoke to him for a minute."
"That's plenty of time for him, I've noticed." She giggled, letting Mac pull her close and kiss her forehead. "I love you, Maxie. I will always be here for you, no matter what."
"I know that, Mac. And I love you, too," she said, hugging him.
Maxie watched him walk away, back to whatever he'd been doing. She felt better, as he'd always he'd always made her feel, but only a little. Mac had practically raised her. He was always there, even when her mother wasn't. Frisco had never been there. Mac was her father, so why was she longing for the man that had abandoned her?
If there was ever a reason to shoot her father, it was for making her feel so torn.
Maxie sighed and opened her notebook. She typed just what she'd written, adding a little more at the end, trying to get her frustration of being stuck between her two fathers across to him. She hesitated before clicking the send button. Once the screen disappeared, she could only hope for the best, that he would understand.
If you only knew what you do when you look in my eyes
You're such a sweet, sweet surprise to me
You're a part of me
Only a few minutes passed before an email appeared in her inbox, a reply from Frisco. She opened the message uncertainly, fearful of what it might say. But as she read the short message, she smiled. Tears filled her eyes, but this time, not tears of sadness, but tears of relief. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Maxie,
I am so glad you wrote me. It'll take me some time to answer all your questions, but I wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am that you've been hurt. It's not what I ever wanted. I made some decisions I sometimes wish I could take back. I know you're mad at me and you have plenty of reason to be, but I hope someday you'll understand.
I know that you feel like you're betraying Mac, but you're not. I know he loves you as much as I do and I know how you feel about him. I'm grateful you and your sister have him as a dad since I'm not around. Mac's a good guy and a good parent. But he and I, we have different places in your lives, exclusive of each other. I doubt he wants you to feel torn between us any more than I do. He's always going to be your dad, no matter if I'm in your life or not. I'm sorry sweetie, but I'm afraid you're stuck with both of us, whether you like it or not. ;)
I love you and Georgie more than I could ever tell you and no matter where I go, you are always on my mind. You're a part of me.
Dad
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